The Why, How and What of Mental Health

Why Asking “Why?” Doesn’t Always Help Your Mental Health

More than ten years ago, Simon Sinek popularised the idea of the “Why, How and What” Golden Circle.

The idea was designed to help leaders explain how they inspire people into action.

According to Sinek, when we define and communicate why we do something, we are more likely to influence behaviour. We are not only explaining what we do. We are showing the values behind it.

This approach has since shaped many business models, especially in start-up culture. Before defining the product, the service, or the strategy, companies are often encouraged to define their mission and vision. In that context, asking why can be very useful.

The same is true in learning. If you want to understand something deeply, “Why is this important?” is a powerful question. It helps you move beyond memorising information and into real understanding.

But when it comes to mental health, anxiety, depression, and emotional difficulty, the question “why?” does not always help.

Sometimes, it can make things worse.

Why “why?” can become a trap

When we ask ourselves questions like:

“Why am I so anxious?”

“Why did this happen to me?”

“Why do I always feel this way?”

“Why can’t I just stop thinking about this?”

we often prime the brain into problem-solving mode.

This makes sense. The mind is trying to help. It looks for causes, explanations, patterns, mistakes, and possible solutions. It wants to close the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

The problem is that emotions are not technical problems to solve.

Anxiety is not a broken machine. Sadness is not a maths equation. Fear is not a spreadsheet error. These experiences may be painful, uncomfortable, or overwhelming, but they are not problems in the same way that a business problem or practical task is a problem.

When we treat emotions as problems that must be solved, we create a painful gap:

I am anxious. I should not be anxious.

I feel sad. I should not feel sad.

I feel uncertain. I need to feel certain.

The mind then tries to close that gap. It starts analysing, checking, planning, comparing, blaming, remembering, predicting, and trying to fix the feeling.

Very often, this does not reduce anxiety.

It increases it.

Emotions are not problems to be solved

One of the reasons mental health became so important in my own life and work is that I saw how much suffering comes from fighting with normal human experiences.

Many people do not come to therapy because they have failed to think enough.

They come because they have been thinking too much.

They have analysed themselves. They have tried to understand every feeling. They have looked for the root cause, the perfect explanation, the missing insight, the one answer that will finally make the discomfort disappear.

Of course, understanding matters. Therapy can help us make sense of patterns, history, relationships, and the way our minds work.

But understanding alone is not always enough.

Sometimes the real work begins when we stop asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?” and start asking, “Can I notice what is happening without immediately fighting it?”

This is a very different move.

Instead of treating the emotion as an enemy, we begin to observe it. Instead of trying to eliminate the feeling, we make space to understand how it shows up, what it asks from us, and how we usually respond.

Try asking “what?” instead

What I often recommend is reversing the usual order.

Instead of moving from:

Why → How → What

try moving from:

What → How → Why

If you are anxious, sad, angry, overwhelmed, or in any other difficult emotional situation, take a moment and ask:

What is this anxiety?

What am I noticing right now?

Can I describe it?

Where do I feel it in the body?

What thoughts are showing up?

What urges are appearing?

This reduces the chance of your mind immediately entering problem-solving mode.

It also invites the noticing part of you to come into play.

You are not trying to solve the emotion. You are learning to observe it.

This may sound simple, but it can be very powerful. When you notice an emotion clearly, you create a little more space between you and the automatic reaction. You may still feel anxious, but you may no longer be completely inside the anxiety. You may still have difficult thoughts, but you can begin to see them as thoughts, not facts or commands.

This is often the beginning of psychological flexibility.

A practical exercise: What, How, Why

The next time you notice a difficult emotion, try this simple exercise.

1. What am I noticing?

Start with description, not explanation.

You might notice:

• tightness in the chest

• heaviness in the stomach

• racing thoughts

• an urge to escape

• an urge to check something

• an urge to apologise

• an urge to control the situation

• a feeling of pressure

• a sense of shame, fear, anger, or sadness

Try to describe the experience as clearly and simply as possible.

You are not trying to make it go away.

You are practising noticing.

2. How is this emotion asking me to behave?

Then ask yourself:

How is this emotion pulling me?

Anxiety may pull you towards avoidance.Anger may pull you towards attack.Shame may pull you towards hiding.Fear may pull you towards control.Sadness may pull you towards withdrawal.

Again, the aim is not to judge yourself.

The aim is to notice the pattern.

This is important because emotions often come with instructions. They tell us to run, fix, fight, freeze, please, check, avoid, or shut down. Sometimes those instructions are useful. Sometimes they move us further away from the life we want to build.

3. Why does this matter to me?

Only then ask why.

But ask it differently.

Not:

“Why am I like this?”

Instead, ask:

“Why does this matter to me?”

“What value might be underneath this emotion?”

“What is this pointing towards?”

Anxiety might point towards safety.Sadness might point towards love or loss.Anger might point towards fairness or respect.Shame might point towards belonging.Stress might point towards a need for rest, boundaries, or change.

This is where the “why” question becomes useful again.

Not as self-attack.Not as endless analysis.Not as a demand to fix yourself.

But as a way of reconnecting with what matters.

Why this matters in therapy

In my work as a therapist in Paris offering therapy in English and Italian, I often meet people who are tired of trying to think their way out of emotional difficulty.

They may be anxious, under pressure, stuck in repeated patterns, or trying very hard to understand themselves without knowing what to do next.

My approach is grounded in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. In practice, this means we do not only ask why difficult thoughts and emotions appear. We also look at how you relate to them, what they pull you towards, what they pull you away from, and how you can build more flexible responses in real life.

The goal is not to eliminate every difficult feeling.

The goal is to build psychological skills so those feelings do not keep deciding how you live.

A different starting point

Asking why can be useful.

But when you are caught in anxiety, depression, overthinking, or emotional pain, it is not always the best first question.

Before asking why, try asking:

What am I noticing?

How is this affecting me?

How am I being pulled to respond?

What matters here?

This shift will not magically remove discomfort. But it can help you step out of the exhausting loop of trying to solve yourself.

And sometimes, that is where real change begins.

If this feels familiar, therapy can offer a structured space to explore these patterns more clearly and build practical skills for working with difficult thoughts and emotions.

You can start with an introductory call to explore whether this approach is a fit.